An update …. For an update ..

Sunday, 31 March 2019… 10.02am

While I wait for inspiration to strike- my phone has dutifully informed me that it is in desperate need of an update. Of the software variety.


I allow this and check the progress … Time remaining …. two hours.

Two hours. Two fucking hours to add exactly 4 new emojis to the already ridiculous amount of emojis that I will probably never use in my life time.

Thanks, Apple. You absolute utter wizard.




So, here I am. Again. After what feels like an eon since I last blogged something. *Checks date of last blog entry* … Oh….


I know. I am the worst. Legit the worst. I’d never make it as a successful writer because I can never keep up to any writing schedule that I set for myself. Too busy being distracted by all the shiny on the internet.


Also, apparently, I need to read every book on the planet before I can write anything of worth as well. Is that a thing? Or is it just a load of bollocks made up by people who don’t write anything?? Either way, I’ve been reading a bit as well. I’m reading a series called “The Jacobite Chronicles” by Julia Brannan and it’s very good. I’m about ¼ through the 4th book at the moment and enjoying it thoroughly.


*Checks phone update*… 38 minutes …

10.17am. So, in 15 minutes the update download time has gone from 2 hours to 38 minutes. What. The. Fuck Apple. You are not making a lick of sense right now. Mind you, I do have a very old phone, by 2019 standards at least – an iPhone 6s. The last of a dying breed of phone that has a headphone jack. It’s why I am loathe to part with it.  I don’t know what I am going to do when it finally dies and goes to the Apple recycle depot in the sky. All the leftover earbuds from previous incarnations .. left to sit in a draw or lay lifeless in that side pocket in a backpack that has no other use for an eternity, gathering dust because having a phone with a headphone jack is deemed uncool by … fuck… I have no idea… The ghost of Steve Jobs or something. Who knows?

Even so, there are tens of someone’s with a specific skill set now killing time in the unemployment line because the powers that be decided iPhones would do better if they didn’t have a headphone jack.


*Checks phone update* … 10.30am. … It’s preparing …. Ohhhhhhhh.

I think it’s installing now. How exciting. This is my life you know; in case you were wondering. You probably aren’t… but if you were…  This is as exciting as it gets. Waiting for shit to update.

My life is a series of system updates. Christ almighty .. what a depressing analogy .. even for me that’s depressing. But the more I think about it, I can’t help but realize just how bloody accurate it is

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for my life to update – in the hope the next instalment that I get will be better and have improvement on the last. There’ll be no more bugs or glitches and things will run smoother.


And yet …. HA!


Anyway, it’s 10.41am and all I’ve got is a white screen with a black line going across it. The black apple logo sits boldly in the middle like a proud mum – who is secretly living the life she actually wanted, vicariously through her children.

*Stops writing for a minute*


Oh. I’m sorry?? You feel seen? Shut up you Apple icon, technically outdated, vicariously motherly smug bastard! You’re not the boss of me!  You’re not –


Oh.. You’ve updated?


Oh… well then … Why didn’t you say so?




It’s over. It’s finished. It’s done.


The battery sits at 87% charged … which is sufficient … according to its calculations.


Hopefully this is as well.











2 thoughts on “An update …. For an update ..

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